Wednesday, March 12, 2008

The Ice Queen AKA Frigid Bitch

Montreal and I have been together for a long time. 6 years ago, when we first came together, I was feeling all the blush of first love. She was all I could talk about, and I hated to leave her, even for a weekend trip to Toronto or Ottawa to see friends.

Now, 6 years later, all those little things about her that I used to find cute are starting to drive me crazy. The constant construction. The knee-deep snow. The summer nights so humid you can't sleep. The constant drinking and smoking. The maddening insistence of Montrealers to look good even when it's -25 and snowing. She's so hot and cold, I just can't take it anymore. Talk about a brooding poet: she's beautiful but hopeless.

We've come to the end of the road. I'm leaving Montreal for Vancouver, a warmer, more welcoming, less schizophrenic place. I can understand why people settled in Vancouver. Montreal must have had some kinda voodoo to make people think they could actually survive here. Walking to school is fraught with dangers: slipping on ice, drowning in a snow drift, inciting murderous rage on slow walkers you can't overtake in the snow...

The problem is, I think Montreal can tell we're about to break up, that I'm leaving her for another city. Suddenly, she is venting her jealous rage on me by pouring out snowstorms and remaining frigid until well into the summer.

All this is to say, I'm sorry, citizens of montreal, this hellish weather must be all my fault.

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