Trouble in the urban zoo

Lately, I've been having some issues with the critters in these parts. Maybe they are trying to drive me out of the city, maybe they liked my shiny scarf, or maybe (according to one source) they are secretly my spirit guides trying to give me a message. Right.

First issue: crows. They have been SWOOPING at my head over the past couple of weeks. Apparently they are nervous because their little crow babies are vulnerable in their nests, so obviously a tall brunette with a houndstooth jacket would be a threat to said babies. THe first time, I was walking alone my street over to Commercial, and they starting cawing and coming at me. Twice they hit my head, lifting my hair in their claws, and I started jogging, then running, while they chased me down the street! I passed by a group of neighbors hanging out on their lawn looking at me like I was crazy, and all I could think to do was yell, "Crows attack!!!" Humiliating. Crows 1, Julie 0.

The next week, I was walking down busy Commercial drive, with plenty of other people around, and they start swooping at my head again. This time I can feel claws in my scalp. I turn to the guy beside me, walking calmly along, and say, "Did you see that? Why are they attacking me? Why don't they attack you?" He didn't know. I've been avoiding tall trees and metallic things since, and the cawing sound they make startles me every time. I think the babies are bigger now, though, so THEY can attack me this time next year.

Second critter conundrum: mice. We have a shitload of mice in our house. There was mouse poo carpeting the bottom cupboards, and there is a huge amount of it in the front room carpet. It grossed me right out when I realized what that was. I have not been able to spend 5 quiet minutes alone in my house without seeing a mouse darting underfoot, along the wall, or popping out from inside the . The drapes. THat's a lot of poo I have to clean up.

The other day, I was trying to relax and read in the house, and the mice just would not give me a break. Thoroughly unnerved, I went out to get some poison or something before my roommate Elliott's contemporary classical music show (he plays the viola). The combination of the mice with the crows left me jumpy and shit and on the verge of a panic attack, so I thought some classical music would be the ideal place to forget it. Not to be. Elliott had composed a piece called Creep/Melt, which was actually pretty cool, but incorporated the sounds of things scratching and creeping like, you guessed it, MICE IN THE DRAPES. This did nothing to assuage my slow burning panic attack. I wonder where he got the idea. Next up: an improvisational piece that involved a strobe light, screeching music, and disturbing images. The world was certainly against me that day.

I got these ultrasonic high frequency sound emitters that make the little bastards uncomfortable but don't hurt or kill them. I hope it works, because the last thing I want to deal with is dead mouse bodies all over the house. Wish me luck, or if you can see a psychic message in there, let me know and maybe this urban zoo will give me a break.